Bereavement Care Course
In St George's we are truly blessed to have an excellent hardworking Bereavement Support Group. Who walk with parishioners through the hardest times in their lives, helping them at the time when most people need help and support
All involved in ministry need on-going formation to allow them time to reflect, time to learn new developments and time to discuss with others what they do, to share good practice.
Recently members of our Bereavement Support Team attended such an event Noreen McGinnity has kindly written about the day and has shared it with us.
Four parishioners from St. George’s Bereavement Team along with 50 other parishioners from parishes across the Archdiocese attended a Bereavement Care Course at The Irenaeus Centre in Waterloo. The course centred on how we as a church can reach out and support those we meet who are grieving.
The day started with a prayer.
The presentation began with some definitions:
Bereavement is what happens to you.
Grief is how you feel. Grief is a natural process of healing.
Mourning is how you deal with a loss.
Stages to Grief
Grief is as unique as the person grieving. There are known stages to grief but there is not a typical response. Additionally you may go back and forth through these stages.
Stage 1 – Denial
Denial helps the person survive the loss. In this stage the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. The person is in a state of shock, they may feel numb and wonder how they can go on.
When you are in this stage it is important to try and find a simple way to get through each day. There is a grace in denial. It’s nature’s way of telling us only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality you will start to ask questions and begin to heal.
Stage 2 – Anger
Anger is a necessary stage of healing. The more anger is truly felt the more it will dissipate the grief and the more a person will heal. Anger has no limits, it can be directed against family, medical professionals and even God. Underneath the anger is pain. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor. At first grief feels like being lost at sea with no connection to anything. Anger can become a bridge over the open sea.
Stage 3 – Bargaining
The person becomes lost in a maze of ‘if only’ ‘what if’ statements. The person wants life to return to what it was. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. A person may bargain with the pain. They will do anything not to feel the pain of the loss. The person remains in the past trying to negotiate their way out of the hurt.
Stage 4 – Depression
After bargaining, the intention moves into the present day. Empty feelings present themselves and grief enters on a deeper level. This depressive stage feels like it will last forever. It is important to say this is not a sign of mental illness, it is an appropriate response to a great loss. It has been said it takes 2 years before you begin to accept a severe loss.
Stage 5 - Acceptance
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being ok with what has happened. It is an acceptance of the reality that the loved one is physically gone and recognising that this new reality is the permanent reality. You are not ok, but you know that life goes on and you can find little ways of going forward. It is the new norm where you have more good days than bad days. The person cannot replace what has been lost but you can make new connections and meaningful relationships.
The afternoon session started with a listening exercise. Being a good listener is key to helping somebody who has suffered a bereavement. A good listener does not set out to change people but offer space where change can take place.
How can we accompany the bereaved?
Let your genuine concerns show.
Be available - to listen, offer to help with whatever they need.
Do say you are sorry about what has happened, about the pain they are experiencing.
Do allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling at the moment and willing to share.
Do encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves.
Allow them to talk about their loss.
Reassure them that they did everything they could.
Don’t let your own sense of helplessness stop you from reaching out.
Don’t avoid them because you are uncomfortable.
How do we organise ourselves in parishes?
During the final session, we discussed the different ways each parish support their parishioners dealing with a bereavement. There seemed to be two approaches:
Some parishes held monthly drop-in sessions where there would be friendly faces to talk to. These parishes aimed to offer comfort and support to the bereaved with fellowship.
Other parishes, including St George’s, provide spiritual and practical support. These parishes offer help with arrangements for the funeral Mass or Service. Additionally if a vigil service was requested the bereavement team would lead the prayers.
Regardless of the approach, most parishes bereavement teams offer a welcoming presence at funerals. Additionally each November, all parishes celebrate a Memorial Mass for families who had lost loved ones in the past year.
The day ended with a prayer.
The Bereavement Care day was a poignant reminder of the importance of supporting those who are grieving. By coming together as a parish family we can offer comfort and practical help to those who have suffered a bereavement.
